Hello! Hello! It has been a while! I had an ‘Aha’ moment today and had to share it with you!

I have come across 3 big bullies in my adult (after-college) life and countless smaller fish not worth mentioning. Recently my bully radar detected a new one emerging. Only time will tell if this one would make a mark or just… bark.

Interestingly, in all the previous three instances I seem to have resorted to the same response – FLIGHT; I run away as fast as I can, as far as I can, while remaining as furious as I can be.

Well, this time I wanted to break this insane pattern of mine. Why insane you might ask. Running away has not been my ally. It has almost always hurt me as much as I would have been had I FOUGHT – I lost close friends; lost trust in people; went through sporadic mental depression because of the looping replays; walked away from dream jobs; struggled with traumas that came from new job hunts; I have been excommunicated and stayed churchless for a year; and the list goes on. If you have ever been bullied as an adult, you would know what I am talking about. Yes, it is quite possibly worse than a bad breakup!

Anyway…

Salient features of BBullies:

• Bullies don’t start out as bullies, at least to you.
• Bullies had other names (still do) like – neighbor, classmate, churchmate, friend, colleague, boss, insta follower, etc.
• Bullies don’t like you now for reasons I believe they themselves are not sure of most of the time.
• Bullies enjoy seeing you upset.
• Bullies try to operate from a position of power when the truth is they are threatened by you in some way. I have a feeling they know this too and that is why they pre-emptively strike you hard (before they think you might).
• Bullies get guilty too – the guilty ones in most cases don’t apologize, they try to transfer the guilt onto you (“I was just joking, you took it seriously”, “How can I ever harm you! You have misunderstood”, “You hurt me first. That’s why I had to hurt you!”; Sounds familiar?)

Enough about the problem, let’s try and find a solution.

But before we do, I’m itching to share one of the three instances, I find the most interesting of all.  All the names, places, and positions are masked intentionally. Thanks for turning down the ‘Sherlock’ in you and being Watson for the moment!

A was my superior and also a good friend. B was an acquaintance. A was treating B unfairly for quite some time. The ‘saint’ in me couldn’t keep silent. I confronted A and said, “You are being unfair to B. You are asking B to do things you wouldn’t do yourself”. ‘A’ got offended of course. But instead of talking things with me, A went to C who is closely related to me. Who is C? C is the one who introduced A to me. At that instance, C sided with me. Angry with C, A went to D. Who is D? D is the friend of C. D however had some old unsettled tiffs with C and so, D used this opportunity and teamed up with A and confronted C. They did this in two ways. D called C and warned C not to talk to A like that. A called me and said, “C is brainwashing you. C does not like me. That is why C is making you talk bad things about me”. Imagine my situation – I am as confused as you are right now.

The story doesn’t end here.

A turned out to be a guilty bully. A met with me through a phone call, direct meet, and once more at a dinner, to transfer the guilt onto me like any ‘healthy’ guilty bully would do. I knew I was much weaker than A and my punch would not even wrinkle A’s clothes. Being the fast and furious self I am, I ran away as fast as I could, as far as I could while being as furious as I could.

The story doesn’t end here either.

A it turned out, didn’t feel convinced by the afore-attempted transfer of guilt, so resorted to community mobbing. A went to B (the one I actually stood up for) and gave a bad report about me. B innocently (or not quite) called me names, siding with A. A also managed to spread the ‘good news’ with X, Y, Z and U, V, W. Sadly C took upon the collateral damage, as a reward for siding with me. Both C and I walked away from good friends and the good times we shared with our once-great friends to avoid further escalations.

I’m not quite sure about how you feel reading my story. But here I am at my desk laughing out loud (literally ROFL) as I reminisce about that incident. It feels so funny and childish that the trauma and mental distress I faced for nearly a year seems now like bad dreams you forget in the morning.

This morning, as I stood silently before the wide flat screen with red warning lights flashing the name of the newest bully (in my brain’s war room), I asked myself, “Have you learnt your lesson yet?”

That made me think.

I write this blog as a reminder to my future self on how I should and can face “Grown-up Bullies”

A quick disclaimer: I don’t have all the answers yet. I’ll be the first to let you know when I find the answer to the ultimate question.

📖

Call me old-fashioned but I turn to the Bible for answers. Though it was written centuries ago, it is relevant even today in this meta-modern world.

Curious? Read on!

Jesus, the creator of the universe, was bullied! Can you imagine that? People didn’t leave God alone either. During His time on earth, there were two groups that were bent on harassing him – Pharisees & Sadducees. The Pharisees were super-spiritual leaders and harassed him on spiritual grounds. Sadducees were the modern-day liberals and harassed him on philosophical grounds.  

Why did they bully Jesus? They were afraid they would lose their popularity if everyone started following Jesus. They were threatened by Him. Immaturely they even speak their fear out loud to Pilate the Roman governor of their region.

How did Jesus respond? As you might have guessed, He did not take FLIGHT but stood his ground! How could he singlehandedly stand against these big leaders of his time, I wondered. Could it be because He was God? Well, He was 100% human too on Earth! The answer to this question reveals a stunning revelation that you and I can use to fight our bullies. Here goes…

Step 1: Profile your bully objectively 🕵🏼‍♀️

This is the hardest thing to do, especially when you are emotionally hurt. How did Jesus do it? He observed how the bullies mistreated others – you can read for yourself here – Pharisees, Sadducees.

Step 2: Vocalize your observation 🗣

This is the second hardest thing to do. But if you muster the courage to shout out from the rooftops, it will immobilize the bullies. This also has a secondary effect; it clears you of the guilt that tends to stick in such situations. It assures you that you are doing the right thing, speaking the truth. This is like the stun gun/effect in video games. Jesus openly stated how the Pharisees and Sadducees were mistreating others. They were afraid of speaking with Him directly at a certain point. They would send spies on their behalf.

Step 3: Be consistent in your fight 💪🏼

If you are not a confrontational person by nature, you would want to avoid arguments at any cost. I hear you! I have come to learn the hard way that the cost you end up paying not only affects you but those around you too. In my case, C was affected. Standing up for yourself is not wrong. I used to believe that I should show my other cheek lying on the ground if someone hit me. God taught me this lesson –

Show your other cheek not because you are weak, but because you are stronger than the other person.

Isn’t it funny that oftentimes, unknowingly we accept oppression because we somehow feel responsible/ take it as a punishment for something else we did/ we are weak and don’t want to stand up for ourselves. So, be consistent in your standing up, and don’t cower. The barking dog will one day get a throat sore. The chasing cheetah will run out of breath. Keep fighting! Fight strong! Bullies won’t dare touch you anymore!

Step 4: Trust God ❤

Psalms 56 is one of the most encouraging chapters in the Bible to read when you are hurt or anxious because of bullies. David talks about people harassing him. He outlines some more ‘salient features’ of grown-up bullies – “They twist my words”, “Their every thought is an evil plan against me”, “They attack and they hide”, and “They watch my every step as they wait to put me down”. Sounds familiar? I’m going to let him tell you how he coped with bullies:

⁸ You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

⁹ My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help.
    This I know: God is on my side!

Instead of replaying your hurts in your mind or talking about it to your friends who cannot help, talk to God about your bullies. Trust him to fight for you, because the truth is He cares for you! He says anyone who hurts you touches the pupil of His eye. Imagine someone doing that to God? Do you think your bully will do well, with God on your side? Trust Him!

🔚

I would like to conclude with a beautiful line from Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life – “Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.” Would you let your son/ daughter/ your parents/ best friend be bullied? Wouldn’t you fight for those you love? Fight for yourself too! Let me reiterate – Standing up for yourself is not wrong! Show your other cheek not because you are weak, but because you are stronger than the bully!

God bless! ❤